I went to San Francisco and all I got was Saga Vol. 3

So I have anxiety.

I don’t really want to go deep into it because It’s not really important in the long run when it comes to what I’m trying to do here in this blog. But I should break down a couple of things so the next part of this post has some context. I have PTSD and a bipolar disorder that causes depression, anxiety, paranoia, and frustration. I know this because I’ve had numerous doctors tell me this is the case. It’s not just something I read on the internet and went, “hey that’s me.” Since my diagnosis, I’ve worked extremely hard to find ways to cope with these issues in a healthy manner. None of which I feel are important enough to discuss here. What is important is the idea that these are things that I live with on a day-to-day basis, I am aware of them and address them when they come up, and do not use them as an excuse for my demeanor or behavior. Sometimes things are shitty, and sometimes I’m shitty, and sometimes that has nothing to do with my “problems.” I’m human and I screw up, just like everyone else.

That out of the way, I went to San Francisco last weekend. Let me tell you. San Francisco is, no doubt, one of the most beautiful cities in the world. It’s lively and diverse, which one might not think about until they arrive and see it for themselves. If the amazing architecture doesn’t get you, by God the surrounding habitat it’s built in will. And if you read over my last few blogs, you’ll notice that I was stalling out on Dream Story, so I thought maybe the City by the Bay would be a great place to go and recharge my creative batteries.

I leaned something important that day. I am also so, so not made for the city.

Where does one begin when describing a failure of a trip? Do we talk about traffic? That’s a given in a city that populous. And yes, traffic is frustrating. Build on top of that high anxiety, constant distractions (the beauty, the people, the fucking signs oh my god where the hell are the fucking road signs??!), and the lack of layout knowledge or a solid plan. It amounts to a seriously dangerous situation where one grips the wheel until their knuckles are white and almost causes an accident. Twice. And that’s on me.

How about the people? A wonderfully diverse and culturally astute people that seem jolly overall, and boy are they fit and attractive. All of them. All 850,000 of them. I’m not going to lie, I think I accidently bumped into like half of them. Not like “Oh, hey you, haven’t seen you in a shake,” kind of bump. In a “Sorry, my bad, excuse me, my fault, whoops, Bob’s your uncle, please don’t call the police,” kind of way. And the speed at which they move. If anything, they deserve an award for being one of the busiest lots I’ve ever seen.

Also, a bird shat on my phone.

I’ll be honest, I tried. I tried very hard to have a good time, and enjoy myself, any take in the sights. I’m just not very good at those kinds of things. I tried driving to the coast right north of the bay (Stinson Beach) but a rock slide had the highway closed and my poor Buick wasn’t gonna make it through the foothills. At one point I found myself half near tears, tense as hell, repeating to myself “I’m not having fun, I’m not having fun, I’m not having fun.”  It was a horrible disaster, and I don’t understand how people can tolerate doing things like that. Of course, most people have friends to go with and a plan for the day, and a basic idea of the layout of the place. All of which I could have had if, instead of just shooting out on a whim, I had taken even the minimum amount of time to work things out. I didn’t, it was rough, I disappointed myself, and once I was home I felt I was right back where I started. Stuck.

And yet.

There was this underlying slow-burn of a thought. ‘Ya know, you never do this. This is exactly why you never do this, sure. But you’re doing it. You’re outside. In a whole new city, in fact, and through all of the chaos and sensory overload, you now know that you’re capable of doing it. And if you’re capable of exposing yourself to a 12-hour corporate level anxiety workshop, you can finish that damn story.’

Writers often talk about changing up the scenery to get over their blocks. Going to a new coffee shop, or a museum, or a library. They often talk about refilling their motivation cup with inspiring fuel, such as media consumption, or a hike. And that’s important. Whatever it is you’re putting in that cup is one of the most important parts of your creative journey. It’s what’s going to get you through it. And you don’t have to make your adventures as insane or chaotic as I do. That’s my problem, not yours. But if you find yourself still stuck after two or three days, put down the pen. Get out into the world and do something different, really different from your normal routine. And if it doesn’t come to you instantly, let it boil for a bit. I actually didn’t come back to Dream Story for another day after that trip. And I’m glad I waited. Because once I sat down, everything made sense again and even more ideas than before started spilling out. So many ideas, I had to start a whole new connecting sidebar of notes. Stuff I can’t talk about any time soon, but if it works out well, that day trip will have totally been worth it.

So I didn’t get to work on this story quite as much as I’d have liked this week for multiple reasons. There was a lot going on. But I did manage to work on it. I got a 7,500 word 13 page outline done, and it’s exactly what I expected it was going to be. A few plot holes and an exposition pile up at the end. I did manage to start a second draft of the outline, which is sitting at nearly 4,000 words 7 pages, and looks like it’s going to be about as long as the first. Some of those plot holes are being ironed out. A lot of that exposition is as well. It’s moving forward quite nicely I think.

All of those writing blocks stacked up to be part of a single issue. I was counting on certain parts of this story to do what I saw In my head. I wasn’t allowing the story to lead, and I wasn’t compromising my ideas. Certain things “had to be worked in.” Once I recognized that I was doing this, and allowed myself to let go of the last bit of strange hold I had on controlling my writing, everything just sort of flowed out. It’s like hitting the top of the rollercoaster. I’m even more sure of myself when it comes to completing this project. And a second draft is never a bad idea. Especially in this case. Once the second outline draft is done, I can start writing it out in script format, giving myself the opportunity to do a third draft to the story overall. I’ve settled on taking the long way. Regular movie script form, then stick figure story boards to help map out the artwork, then comic script form. It’s a much longer way to go, but I think because this is still sort of new to me (the comic book part), it’s safer and more comfortable. Plus when that film script style draft is done, I’ll be able to stat sharing it with folks to get feedback and whatnot. That’s the version I wanted done by August 12^th, and it looks like I’m going to beat that deadline with extra time to kill. Nice.