A Day Late and An Update Short

This week was a wreck.

Comparatively, it wasn’t that bad, but I had some emotional beef with my soul that made being creative difficult. Needless to say, I didn’t get much done.

It’s hard to describe how depression works. Your brain wants you to get up and do things. But your body just doesn’t do it. You body wants to get up and do things. But your brain just won’t allow it. And the entire time, your soul feels like a puddle of mercury sliding back and forth on a skillet. I’ve asked myself numerous times this week, “am I really up to this?”

I could break down things like how I should talk to someone about it, how I identify why I’m feeling a particular way and try to change what I’m doing in hopes to feel different, or how my routine is personally designed to combat against the things that make me feel this way. But in all honesty, I just don’t fell like it.

It’s a feeling of inadequacy. No matter how hard I try to avoid it, it will always creep up and prevent me from getting anything done. And it’s something I’ve yet to figure out a way to deal with.

Sometimes, and I can’t really stress this enough, things just are the way they are, and there’s nothing you can do about it. You have to accept things for what they are and keep moving forward.

So today, I’m working on recommitting myself. Things feel like they’ve fallen apart a bit. I’m going to dust off my boots, take a step back to get a better look, assess the situation, and try again.

I got through three pages of storyboarding before I realized I have no dialog. Like, I have the outline written out, but that doesn’t give me much detail. So the whole idea of skipping over that first script draft was… just stupid. What the hell was I thinking?

On top of that, I’m reconsidering the concept of being able to attach this story to other stories. I lost sight of something. The whole point of working on this was to show myself that I could accomplish one self-contained story. I completely forgot that, and made it something I ultimately am not sure I want.

Plus, I’m having some real trouble identifying the main protagonist’s motivation. Like, why the hell is he doing any of this? Did I just kind of throw him into an adventure where a bunch of stuff happens and he doesn’t really change or affect anything? Wtf, mate?

I’m disappointed in myself over these realizations, and I wonder to myself if it’s still even worth doing. IT means another re-write of the outline, as well as going back to the original idea of writing the thing out in script form before storyboarding. Which all adds up to a week’s worth of useless work. Just a bunch of wasted time. And that really stresses me out and bothers me.

So this week I sluggishly truck forward, hoping something more positive happens soon.

The Writer's Block Paradox

It’s Wednesday and I’m sitting here trying to find something to write about.

Normally I get up on Friday morning and write the blog. But the last week has been so incredibly eventful, and this coming weekend has a number of personal events that can’t be put on hold for a blog. Sometimes I share things about my personal life because it helps me talk about writing. But this week, there doesn’t seem to be anything I can directly relate to the process. It’s troublesome sometimes, trying to create content on a weekly basis. Sometimes what you produce isn’t your strongest stuff. And sometimes, it’s not there at all. This very much feels like the latter.

That’s not to say anything bad is happening in my life. On the contrary, the last week has been pretty fantastic. There just isn’t a way to tie it directly to writing. I’ve been pondering all week what this blog should be about, and it’s just not coming to me. It’s like there’s some kind of block. Like a… Writer’s Block…

Writer’s block is an interesting thing. It’s real, but at the same time, it’s really not. In fact, I’ve heard successful writers specifically state that it doesn’t exist. But it’s something most writers deal with at one point in time or another. Personally, I’m torn about how to describe it because those writers are not wrong. And yet…

I’ve gone years without writing before. Sort of. I’ve always considered myself a writer, and throughout the years I’ve focused on different types of writing depending on the time and place. I’ve written poetry, movie scripts, a novel, journals, sketch comedy bits, music lyrics, long emotional letters, speeches, book reports, blogs… all sorts of things. And in every instance, I put my title first. I am a writer. It makes it difficult sometimes to answer the question, “What do you write?” Because I think most people are expecting you to tell them a story. And while writing and storytelling go hand-in-hand, it’s not as simple as just describing the story sometimes. I keep thinking to myself that I haven’t written a story in years. But the truth is, everything I write is a story in one way or another. So people ask, “What do you write?” I answer, “Song lyrics.” And I receive a blank face. Because most people don’t equate the writing process to something like music lyrics. But within those lyrics might be a beautiful story about a long lost love.

Writing is defined on Google as 1. The activity or skill of marking coherent words on paper and composing text, 2. Written work, especially with regard to its style or quality. It’s a very broad description. Writer’s block is defined as the condition of being unable to think of what to write or how to proceed with writing. In contrast, pretty direct. I’ll be honest, I’m 500 words into this blog and I’m still not 100% sure where I’m going with it. But that’s okay.

See, all those types of writing I listed above all have very valuable qualities that can be used in a myriad of ways to flex those writing muscles. Poetry is meant to evoke emotion, while a speech is meant to sway or solidify an opinion. Maybe if you ever write a speech, you might add a few lines of poetry in order to appeal to the audience’s emotions. See? They’re interchangeable as well. And throughout this whole blog, I’ve been using a technique I’ve talked about before: freewriting. Just kind of letting my thoughts and ideas spill out on paper in hopes that something will spark the writing process. Except while I’ve been doing it, I’ve already been working through the writing process. And that is where the paradox of writer’s block lies.

I heard Richard Kadrey say once, “There is no such thing as writer’s block. There is such a thing as writer’s laziness.” I think he was trying to express something similar to what I’m trying to express here. It’s only a block because I’m not doing anything. If I actually force myself to sit down, pick up the pen, and start jotting things down, something will come out. Sometimes it’s worthless garbage, but that’s okay. You’re not going to hit a home run every time you’re at bat. You still have to swing at the ball once in a while. So why do we hold ourselves to a higher standard when it comes to writing? Because the world expects a story? Because we feel inadequate when our first few words are gibberish? Because writing takes technique, and we are reminded of how clumsy and stupid we are when we begin?

I mean, yeah. Probably.

But just like any other skill or technique, you have to practice. A story is a finely chiseled stone statue in the foliage of a beautiful city park. The pen is your chisel, and the paper is your stone. It takes time and delicacy to tap away the junk around your work of art. But sometimes, you just gotta whack a big ol’ chunk off to get yourself started.

And that’s what we do as writers. We put all this insane pressure on ourselves to create something beautiful right when we start, forgetting that we don’t have to write the next great American novel to get started. A bit of poetry, maybe a letter to a friend, even some (especially some) freewriting is enough sometimes. It’s all still writing. I’ve said it before, writing is a marathon, not a sprint. It takes patience. And rewrites. And rewrites. And rewrites. And patience. But diligence gets results in writing. My writer’s block comes back again, and again, and again. And every time, I have to remind myself that the act of writing isn’t the act of storytelling. Yes, they go hand-in-hand. But they are not the same thing. Writing is just swinging that bat, tapping that chisel. And if you make yourself do it enough, over and over again, eventually you’ll hit that home run. You’ll carve that beautiful statue.

But it starts with a decision of doing instead of not doing. And that decision is the only real block you have.

This was a big week for me. I powered through the third draft of the outline and completed it. I now have a 14 page 8,200 word document that I’m satisfied with. It’s not perfect, but it’s good enough to move on to the next step. Most importantly, it tells a coherent story. All of the exposition I was worried about has been ironed throughout the story. There’s a few twists in it, and the ending does double duty. It both holds the finalized outcome for the main protagonist as well as leaves an open-ended (and hopefully mysterious) epilogue for a prominent side character. This allows me to continue with further stories using this character to tie them together. In this age of “shared universe” media, it seems like a trope. But it’s an idea I’ve had since high school and hadn’t ever really figured out a proper way to implement. Now, if this first attempt is successful, I’ll be able to flesh out that idea and really explore the universe I dreamt of all those years ago. And if it’s not, I’ve accomplished the main goal I set out for: making a graphic novel.

The next step is going to be new for me. I said before that I was going to write the whole thing out in movie script form and then do storyboarding before converting it into a comic strip. I’m going to take the chance of skipping the movie script and going directly to storyboarding. I think the outline is strong enough and the visuals are vivid enough in my head that I can do that. Except for the part where I can’t draw extremely well. I’ll be honest, the storyboards are going to start out looking like a rolling garbage fire. But beauty is not the point at this stage. Plotting out the actual comic format is the point. Plus, having some storyboards (no matter how crude) in addition to a well written, well formatted script will help express the concept to a real illustrator. All in all, I’m getting very excited about this. Especially since it looks like I’m going to hit that August 12^th deadline I gave myself. Swinging that bat. Tapping that chisel.

I went to San Francisco and all I got was Saga Vol. 3

So I have anxiety.

I don’t really want to go deep into it because It’s not really important in the long run when it comes to what I’m trying to do here in this blog. But I should break down a couple of things so the next part of this post has some context. I have PTSD and a bipolar disorder that causes depression, anxiety, paranoia, and frustration. I know this because I’ve had numerous doctors tell me this is the case. It’s not just something I read on the internet and went, “hey that’s me.” Since my diagnosis, I’ve worked extremely hard to find ways to cope with these issues in a healthy manner. None of which I feel are important enough to discuss here. What is important is the idea that these are things that I live with on a day-to-day basis, I am aware of them and address them when they come up, and do not use them as an excuse for my demeanor or behavior. Sometimes things are shitty, and sometimes I’m shitty, and sometimes that has nothing to do with my “problems.” I’m human and I screw up, just like everyone else.

That out of the way, I went to San Francisco last weekend. Let me tell you. San Francisco is, no doubt, one of the most beautiful cities in the world. It’s lively and diverse, which one might not think about until they arrive and see it for themselves. If the amazing architecture doesn’t get you, by God the surrounding habitat it’s built in will. And if you read over my last few blogs, you’ll notice that I was stalling out on Dream Story, so I thought maybe the City by the Bay would be a great place to go and recharge my creative batteries.

I leaned something important that day. I am also so, so not made for the city.

Where does one begin when describing a failure of a trip? Do we talk about traffic? That’s a given in a city that populous. And yes, traffic is frustrating. Build on top of that high anxiety, constant distractions (the beauty, the people, the fucking signs oh my god where the hell are the fucking road signs??!), and the lack of layout knowledge or a solid plan. It amounts to a seriously dangerous situation where one grips the wheel until their knuckles are white and almost causes an accident. Twice. And that’s on me.

How about the people? A wonderfully diverse and culturally astute people that seem jolly overall, and boy are they fit and attractive. All of them. All 850,000 of them. I’m not going to lie, I think I accidently bumped into like half of them. Not like “Oh, hey you, haven’t seen you in a shake,” kind of bump. In a “Sorry, my bad, excuse me, my fault, whoops, Bob’s your uncle, please don’t call the police,” kind of way. And the speed at which they move. If anything, they deserve an award for being one of the busiest lots I’ve ever seen.

Also, a bird shat on my phone.

I’ll be honest, I tried. I tried very hard to have a good time, and enjoy myself, any take in the sights. I’m just not very good at those kinds of things. I tried driving to the coast right north of the bay (Stinson Beach) but a rock slide had the highway closed and my poor Buick wasn’t gonna make it through the foothills. At one point I found myself half near tears, tense as hell, repeating to myself “I’m not having fun, I’m not having fun, I’m not having fun.”  It was a horrible disaster, and I don’t understand how people can tolerate doing things like that. Of course, most people have friends to go with and a plan for the day, and a basic idea of the layout of the place. All of which I could have had if, instead of just shooting out on a whim, I had taken even the minimum amount of time to work things out. I didn’t, it was rough, I disappointed myself, and once I was home I felt I was right back where I started. Stuck.

And yet.

There was this underlying slow-burn of a thought. ‘Ya know, you never do this. This is exactly why you never do this, sure. But you’re doing it. You’re outside. In a whole new city, in fact, and through all of the chaos and sensory overload, you now know that you’re capable of doing it. And if you’re capable of exposing yourself to a 12-hour corporate level anxiety workshop, you can finish that damn story.’

Writers often talk about changing up the scenery to get over their blocks. Going to a new coffee shop, or a museum, or a library. They often talk about refilling their motivation cup with inspiring fuel, such as media consumption, or a hike. And that’s important. Whatever it is you’re putting in that cup is one of the most important parts of your creative journey. It’s what’s going to get you through it. And you don’t have to make your adventures as insane or chaotic as I do. That’s my problem, not yours. But if you find yourself still stuck after two or three days, put down the pen. Get out into the world and do something different, really different from your normal routine. And if it doesn’t come to you instantly, let it boil for a bit. I actually didn’t come back to Dream Story for another day after that trip. And I’m glad I waited. Because once I sat down, everything made sense again and even more ideas than before started spilling out. So many ideas, I had to start a whole new connecting sidebar of notes. Stuff I can’t talk about any time soon, but if it works out well, that day trip will have totally been worth it.

So I didn’t get to work on this story quite as much as I’d have liked this week for multiple reasons. There was a lot going on. But I did manage to work on it. I got a 7,500 word 13 page outline done, and it’s exactly what I expected it was going to be. A few plot holes and an exposition pile up at the end. I did manage to start a second draft of the outline, which is sitting at nearly 4,000 words 7 pages, and looks like it’s going to be about as long as the first. Some of those plot holes are being ironed out. A lot of that exposition is as well. It’s moving forward quite nicely I think.

All of those writing blocks stacked up to be part of a single issue. I was counting on certain parts of this story to do what I saw In my head. I wasn’t allowing the story to lead, and I wasn’t compromising my ideas. Certain things “had to be worked in.” Once I recognized that I was doing this, and allowed myself to let go of the last bit of strange hold I had on controlling my writing, everything just sort of flowed out. It’s like hitting the top of the rollercoaster. I’m even more sure of myself when it comes to completing this project. And a second draft is never a bad idea. Especially in this case. Once the second outline draft is done, I can start writing it out in script format, giving myself the opportunity to do a third draft to the story overall. I’ve settled on taking the long way. Regular movie script form, then stick figure story boards to help map out the artwork, then comic script form. It’s a much longer way to go, but I think because this is still sort of new to me (the comic book part), it’s safer and more comfortable. Plus when that film script style draft is done, I’ll be able to stat sharing it with folks to get feedback and whatnot. That’s the version I wanted done by August 12^th, and it looks like I’m going to beat that deadline with extra time to kill. Nice.

A Simple Update

So normally, I would write out some sort of story or technique. And I do quite enjoy doing so. But this week, I'm having some roommate issues that's making my life semi-frustrating. I'm having difficulty focusing on anything that resembles positive. So this week, I leave the challenge up to you. Is there anyone out there that would like to help me by sharing a positive story about or relating to their own experiences writing?

I know I could use the boost. Thanks.

This week, I did most of what I wanted. I spent between 45 and 60 minutes cutting through my free-writing and reworking it into my scene list. The result is a 9 page 4,200 word document that's around 2/3 done. Here, I can see where the major flubs of the story are going to be. Mainly, I have to find a way to iron the story out throughout the book instead of cramming a bunch of things in at the end. While the metaphors I'm weaving into the story will make for wonderful visual eye candy, I'm watching the exposition pileup at the end like a car wreck you can't look away from. This is going to be... Ugly. Mainly because I know I won't be able to do that ironing until after the first draft is complete. Which is also going to take me a longer period of time to take care of. Mostly, because I've literally done nothing but play iPad games for and watched Supernatural for the last 48 hours. To be honest, I know that it's probably from working so hard on so many projects and is partially burnout and partially mid-project woes. But the idea of taking a break makes me feel... guilty. It's not something I like to do, because I fear that it will lead to never starting back up. Even now, I'm forcing myself to continue working.

All of that said, I was able to finish figuring out those relationship connections. Sort of. Mostly. I have a very complex paragraph that I circled a few days ago, which tells me it's important to start there once I get back into it. Which should be today, since the blog will be short and I have no other plans. It's just a matter of not turning on Supernatural and binging all day...